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arufc
Forum Admin
United Kingdom
288 Posts |
 Posted - 19 Apr 2007 : 10:03:51
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Thought that the first Funnies topic was getting a bit big, so I've locked it and started a new one.
Here's one you'll never have heard before to get it started...
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman serves him his drink and asks, 'Why the long face?'
It gets funnier everytime you hear it...
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 19 Apr 2007 : 14:07:42
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FORUM CLOSED!!!! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 19 Apr 2007 : 22:34:45
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A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.!
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me." "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol...!
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 09:58:42
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| Blimey Charlie Sexycoach, you must spend some dollar on your christmas crackers! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 12:26:41
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| No Mickey darling just got lots of friends, and being a caring, sharing sort of a person like to pass them on!!!!!! Ask the Web if he can get that one on about Munjabi - that was so funny!!!! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 12:49:41
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And anyway I dislike the inferral that I'm not funny!!! |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 13:13:12
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| Okay then you are funny- a touch racist but funny all the same!! |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 13:16:25
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Incidentley Munjabi works at my callcentre.
He needs feeding so I must rush |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 13:53:06
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| I would just like to make it very clear I do not have a racist, fatist, equalist bone in my body. If you are referring that I do you may contact my Solicitors, who just happen to be the excellant Nelsons. This should be good!! |
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arufc
Forum Admin
United Kingdom
288 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 14:21:03
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| Equalist? Huh? |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 14:36:33
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| b******s! |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 17:03:17
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| get a room! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 20 Apr 2007 : 18:09:14
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| Bite the weenie Rizz |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Apr 2007 : 10:43:52
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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly
check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a
bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realised heīd left his gun at home and so couldnīt
shoot
the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it
at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Apr 2007 : 10:59:58
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Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of c**pulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and p***ant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of
the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Apr 2007 : 11:02:20
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
About those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
Been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
About achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work
And Knowledge will get you close, and At--wobbly jelly--ude will get you there, it's
The Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Funnies II - The Sequel
