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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 29 Oct 2006 : 20:00:08
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Oh dear gouldie thats cutting to the bone isn't it!!! HA I'm sure Tommy can take the pressure of insulting so many women!! He'd better be able to hang his head in shame!!
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 29 Oct 2006 : 20:10:42
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Larry gets home late one night.
Wife says "where the hell have you been?"
Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"What kind of tattoo?" Wife says.
"A £50 note on my privates!"
"Why on earth would you want a £50 note tattooed on your privates?"
"Well for one.... I like to watch my money grow.
Two.... once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three.... I like the way my money feels in my hand.
Lastly.... Instead of you going out and wasting fifty quid at the shops, you can stay at home and blow fifty quid any time you want!!!"
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 29 Oct 2006 : 20:15:49
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If he isn't already he will be very soon!!
He was most rude yesterday afternoon and last night too, especially now that he has sussed out who I am!!!
For some reason he thought I was filthy - not a clue where he got that impression from though!!!
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Tomituous
Who's the Daddy
143 Posts |
Posted - 29 Oct 2006 : 23:49:18
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| thats not very nice gouldilocks! Last time i worry bout you drivin thinkin you had been drinking ;o) |
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 30 Oct 2006 : 00:04:05
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You weren't worrying about a thing except how you could manage to get home without falling over and if there was any possibilty (no matter how remote) of you taking someone of the opposite gender home with you!! Top marks for your quiz perfomance though - didn't realise just how intelligent you, Griff and Micky really are!!!!
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micktheknee
Not yet a Jedi
78 Posts |
 Posted - 30 Oct 2006 : 11:49:26
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Patrick is seen attending church for the first time in years and at the end of the service, the vicar tells Patrick he is delighted to see him and what brought him along.
Patrick replied by saying he had seen Murphy wearing a cap similar to one that he had lost and wanted to steal it.
The vicar said he was pleased to see that he hadn't stolen Murphy's cap and what had stopped him.
Patrick replied by saying it was the vicars sermon about the 10 commandments.
The vicar said "so thou shalt not steal"
Patrick replied no vicar it was the one about adultery and so I remembered where I left my cap!!
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 30 Oct 2006 : 16:00:30
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A man walks into Asda, slaps his circumcised c*** on the counter and says
"I bet you can't f**king roll that back!!" |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 30 Oct 2006 : 16:22:04
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Gouldilocks
Easy down a little bit please.
S.C. |
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 31 Oct 2006 : 16:23:26
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Sorry sexycoach - will do!!
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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 31 Oct 2006 : 21:30:54
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights,darks,whites,man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If husband sees you along the way cover up any exposed flesh and run to bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly.Complain aboutgetting fat.
Get in shower.Look for facecloth,armcloth,loincloth,long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil,leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits and legs.Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.Spray all mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.Attack them with nail file/tweezers(if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband sees you,cover any exposed areas and rush to the bedroom to spend an hour getting half dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take clothes off while sitting on the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.If wife seen,shake door knob at her while saying "WAHEY".
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of door knob in mirror, scratch b******s and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Dont bother to look for wash cloth.Dont need one.
Wash face.Wash armpits.Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash b******s and surrounding area.Wash a**e leaving hair on the soap.
Shampoo hair but dont use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo.Pull back curtain to see yourself in the mirror.
P**s in the shower.Rinse off and get out of shower
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside of bath the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror,flex muscles and admire size of door knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom with light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife along the way,pull off towel,grab door knob,go "YEAH BABY" and thrust groin at her.
Put on three day old pants and yesterdays clothes.
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 07 Nov 2006 : 15:08:03
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SUCCESS
At age 4 success is...... not piddling in your pants
At age 12 success is...... having friends
At age 17 success is...... having a drivers license
At age 35 success is...... having money
At age 50 success is...... having money
At age 70 success is...... having a drivers license
At age 75 success is...... having friends
At age 80 success is...... not piddling in your pants
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 21 Nov 2006 : 18:46:09
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A redhead and a blonde walk past a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers.
She says "Oh no, he always has expectations after buying me flowers. I don't feel like spendng the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air!"
The blonde says.... "Don't you have a vase........?" |
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Topic |
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Jokes
