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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
 Posted - 29 Mar 2007 : 13:53:08
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The Bride's Tale
>
> A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
> were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
>
> They opened the champagne and began undressing.
>
> When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's
> wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are
> your feet so gross? "I had tolio as a child," he answered."You mean
> polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.
>
> "When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled
> up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all
> lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he
> explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a
> strange illness that only affected my knees."
>
> As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear
> and his bride wrinkled her nose for a third time.
> "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...........
Smallcox?"
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 03 Apr 2007 : 15:42:36
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
***************************************************
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 12 Apr 2007 : 10:28:07
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There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>1. He went into His Father's business.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was
> >>>>God.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>1. He talked with His hands.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> 2. He had wine with His meals.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>3. He used olive oil
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
> >>>>Californian:
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>1. He never cut His hair.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>3. He started a new religion.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
> >>>>Indian:
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>1. He was at peace with nature.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>2. He ate a lot of fish.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
> >>>>
> >>>>1. He never got married.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>2. He was always telling stories.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>3. He loved green pastures.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
> >>>>woman:
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
> >>>>didn't get it.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still
> >>>>work to do.
> >>>>
I REST MY CASE M'LUD, JESUS WAS A WOMAN!!!
> >>>>
> >>>>
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 12 Apr 2007 : 16:25:01
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
44 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 12 Apr 2007 : 20:19:55
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The Senior Centre's Entertainment Day
It was entertainment day at the Senior's Centre. People came from miles around to see The amazing Claude, the famed hypnotist, do his stuff.
Claude went to the front of the meeting room and announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat pocket. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed; the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****," said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.
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rachsalt
Don't call me Shirley
17 Posts |
Posted - 16 Apr 2007 : 23:21:25
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| An octopus walks into a bar and says 'I can play ANY musical instrument you like'. Enlishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix. Irishman give him a piano which he plays better than Elton. Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the scotsman says 'whats wrong - can ye no play it?'. The octopus says 'Play it? - I'm gonna **** her brains out once i get her pyjamas off!' |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 19 Apr 2007 : 09:09:35
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
>
> stopped at was the breeding bulls.
>
>They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
>
> said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
>
> "He mated 50 times last year."
>
> They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
>
> "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a
>
> healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week!
>
>You could learn a lot from him."
>
> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
>
> in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
>
> The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's
ribs,
>
> said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from
this
>one."
>
> The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
>
> with the same cow."
>
> NOTE: The husband's condition is stable and he should eventually
>
> make a full recovery.
>
>
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Funnies
Topic Locked
