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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
 Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 14:13:11
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The back of a man's anorak was leaping up and down,and people were throwing cash at him.I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes,this is my livelihood" |
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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 14:18:46
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| About 7/5ths of people don't understand fractions. |
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mrsleech
Who's the Daddy
Bahamas
148 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 14:34:54
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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminds her husband "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied "Yes dear, that was the happiest hour of my life" |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 15:20:32
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Does somebody need to stop him before he starts to think hes funny???????? |
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mrsleech
Who's the Daddy
Bahamas
148 Posts |
 Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 16:20:09
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Hey the guy's on a roll, he can be quite funny when he tries. Either that or he's trying to play catch up with me!!!!!(like thats going to happen) |
Edited by - mrsleech on 09 Feb 2007 16:20:44 |
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mrsleech
Who's the Daddy
Bahamas
148 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 16:42:05
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| A nun dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuouslife, Sister, but before I can let you into Heaven, you must answer one question" "I'm ready" says the nun. "Ask me anything" "O.K, what were Eve's 1st words when she saw Adam?" says St Peter. "Boy" says the nun, "thats really a hard one" "That's the correct answer!!!!!" says St Peter and the Pearly Gates open wide. |
Edited by - mrsleech on 09 Feb 2007 16:45:59 |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 17:51:40
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What's got 4 legs and flys?
a dead horse |
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 20:57:05
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The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been
checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve
to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes
flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she
pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she
says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and
afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would
like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay
for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all
the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO
incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . . "
Wait for it.
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 21:07:57
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God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do
Something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
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"What's a headache?"
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 21:21:15
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CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, 19 February, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, March 5, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 6
Loss Of Iden--wobbly jelly--y --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
An! d Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday ! at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
! 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 21:27:37
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard pros--wobbly jelly--utes there get paid £100 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on £200 a year".
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 21:30:45
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 09 Feb 2007 : 21:34:10
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Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand.
She purrs at him "Tie me up and you can do anything that you like"
So he did, and went to the pub!! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 26 Feb 2007 : 20:40:58
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This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my
needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:
I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 02 Mar 2007 : 17:28:09
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> Subject: re:Tickle Me Elmo!
>
>
>> There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the 'Tickle Me
>> Elmo' Toys, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena
>> is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
>> Her First day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a
>> knock at the Personnel Manager's
>> door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
>> employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line
>> is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The
>> Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two
>> men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
>> backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
>> they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena
>> surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
>> Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
>> marbles. The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of
>> fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the
>> little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager burst into
>> laughter. After several minutes of
>> hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he
>> said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
>> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...".
>>
>> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!!!"
>>
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Funnies
Topic Locked
