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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 02 Mar 2007 : 18:22:29
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A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in compe--wobbly jelly--ion to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:
4th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now,she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
3rd Place.
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one In my family has planned any surprise parties
2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize". But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"
1st Place.
And the winner is . . . This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class and never returned.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
in the back of your throat."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
 Posted - 14 Mar 2007 : 12:51:45
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Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 19 Mar 2007 : 15:13:37
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A friend of mine actually received this, she believes, by mistake from someone. I find it too long and therefore gets a little boring but there, I suppose, can be some relevances!!!
And so our story begins..................
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
Promises of easy,
Painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair
And now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come
Home, fix dinner, play
With the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
Painfully in my mind
For the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the
Waxing kit out of the
Medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my
Demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
Clump of hot wax, you just
Rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm
And you peel them apart
And press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you
Pull the hair right
Off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
Not a genius, but I
Am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
Facing each other stuck
Together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
Kicks in so I get out
The hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
Wax," yeah...right!) I
Lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
Tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
Wasn't too bad. I can do
This! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
Fighter of all wayward
Body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I
Move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back
Into the bathroom, for
The ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same
Procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side
Of my bikini line,
Covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching
Down to the inside of
My butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
Deeply and brace
Myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
Pull off half the
Strip. c**p!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly
And spotted. I think I
May pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear
Crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
That has caused me so
Much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want
To revel in the glory
That is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
Strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX??? Slowly I
Ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch. I am touching
Wax.
c**p! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
My body, which is now
Covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
Still propped up on
The toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my
Foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom
Trying to figure out
What to do and think to myself "Please don't let me
Get the urge to poop. My
Head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the
Hottest water I can stand
Into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits
And the wax should
Melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
That used to torture
Prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I
Sit. Now, the only
Thing worse than having your nether regions glued
Together is having them
Glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
Tub.... In scalding hot
Water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So,
Now I'm stuck to the
Bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
Myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
Ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter - "So, my
butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants
to know exactly where
the wax is located , "Are we talking cheeks or
who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various
solutions. I resort to sc**ping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to
lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!
It works!! I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove
the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair.... THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... now that's
funny.
NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 19 Mar 2007 : 15:18:46
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To the Girls !!
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.#65533; I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.#65533; A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.
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mrsleech
Who's the Daddy
Bahamas
148 Posts |
Posted - 19 Mar 2007 : 23:01:59
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Hey sexy coach you goddess, loved the too hot for some posting. It made me howl, scared the poo out of poor Boss(The mutt!!) |
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mrsleech
Who's the Daddy
Bahamas
148 Posts |
Posted - 19 Mar 2007 : 23:04:16
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P.s Yes I am still alive and not dead, just been quiet of late(surprising I know me being quiet!!!!!) |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 21 Mar 2007 : 13:57:27
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Female Compassion at it's BEST!
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and
again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she
rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on
the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up
abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...but
I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 21 Mar 2007 : 18:14:56
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PINK CURTAINS
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains.
He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains.
He shows her many kinds an different fabrics of curtains she finally
picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inches."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES!.......What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need
curtains."
The blonde says,
"HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows.!!"
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 21 Mar 2007 : 22:14:17
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quote:
P.s Yes I am still alive and not dead, just been quiet of late(surprising I know me being quiet!!!!!)
And oh, how lovely and peaceful it has been - no screeching!! Such bliss!!  |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Mar 2007 : 14:16:32
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Apologies to Blondes I am only the Messenger!!
Subject: Blonde Logic
>
>
>Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
>
>And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
>away..............Melbourne or the moon?"
>
>
>
>The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
>Melbourne...?????"
>
>
>
>
>
>CAR TROUBLE
>
>A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
>died.
>
>After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
>What's the story?"
>
>He replies, "Just c**p in the carburettor"
>
>She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
>
>
>
>
>SPEEDING TICKET
>
>A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
>he could see her license.
>
>
>
>She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
>Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
>show it to you!"
>
>
>
>
>
>RIVER WALK
>
>There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
>another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
>get to the other side?"
>
>The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
>back, "You ARE on the other side."
>
>
>
>AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>
>A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
>body hurt wherever she touched it.
>
>"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
>
>The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
>then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee
>and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
>touched made her scream.
>
>The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
>
>"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
>"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
>
>
>
>
>
>BLONDE ON THE SUN
>
>A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
>said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
>first on the moon!"
>
>The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"
>
>The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
>
>"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
>Russian.
>
>To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
>night!"
>
>
>
>IN A VACUUM
>
>A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
>rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
>"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
>
>She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
>
>
>
>
>
>FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>
>A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
>and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
>one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
>
>Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
>
>"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
>
>
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Mar 2007 : 21:15:21
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Mar 2007 : 21:16:29
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One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 29 Mar 2007 : 09:12:26
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I'm not really sure if these are true or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pregnancy, Oestrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: ! What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
"OESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an at--wobbly jelly--ude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 29 Mar 2007 : 13:48:21
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This has to be one of the funniest for a long time!!!!
Subject: FW: Blondes....
The Ventriloquist....
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humour" !
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this mister!"
"I'm talking to that little b******d on your knee."
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Funnies
Topic Locked
