| Author |
 Topic  |
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
 Posted - 13 Jul 2007 : 20:27:27
|
These are genuine clips from letters sent to the Council Housing
Department...............
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing on it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my door door knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.
7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are
just plain filthy.
12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.
13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but
still I have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.
 |
 |
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jul 2007 : 12:31:31
|
I think this may be fake as we have already seen one a little similar!!! But its still funny.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head
Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jul 2007 : 12:34:25
|
Paddy is walking through Dublin and sees a sandwich on the pavement , he rings the police. I have found a sandwich on the pavement with two wires coming from it to a battery, I think its a bomb. Is it ticking asks the police man. No Its cheese and onion replies Paddy.
Yes Yes, Hello |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jul 2007 : 12:36:23
|
The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when
he sees a LP record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from
around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can
listen to it.
"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost
authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost
authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a
while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.
"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next
track?"
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on
wasps listens for a little while longer before shaiking his head.
"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm
terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jul 2007 : 12:41:54
|
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood
test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple
of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the
results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little
paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected s*x?" asked the
doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a
blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little
paper bag. "Then there can be only one explanation." said the
doctor
"Your mother must have been a carrier"
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jul 2007 : 12:45:14
|
A few days after christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. she heard the train stop, and her son said 'all you son's of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cus this is the last stop! and all you son's of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses on the train, cause were going down the tracks!
the mother went nuts, and told her son 'we dont use that kind of language in this house, now i want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. when you come out you may play with your train, but use nice language.
two hours later the son comes out from his bedroom and resumes playing with his train, soon the train stopped, and the mother heard the son say 'all passengers who are disembarking from the train, please take all of your belongings with you, we thank you for riding with us today, and hope your trip was a pleasant one. we hope you will ride with us again soon'. she hears the little boy continue 'for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, and remember there is no smoking on the train.we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today'.
As the mother began to smile the child added 'for those of you who are pi*sed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jul 2007 : 12:51:45
|
A Blind man walks into a Ladies bar (by mistake). He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bargirl (he thinks is a barman),
"Hey, you wanna here a blonde joke?"
The Bar immediatelyfalls silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it's just giving that you are blind that you should consider 5 things.
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is blonde.
3. I'm 6 feet tall, 220 lb's and a blonde woman with a black belt in both karate and kung fu.
4.The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional powerliftting champion.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,
"Nah. Not if i'm gonna have to explain 5 times"
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 23 Jul 2007 : 19:52:56
|
The Webmaster may remove me for this one, but its funny enough to have a go!!
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
> > >>different emotions e.g. fear etc.
> > >>
> > >> On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host
opens
> > >>the
> > >>door to see a guy covered in
> > >>
> > >>green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
> > >>
> > >>He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as
?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>The guy says, "I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant come
on
> > >>in
> > >>and have a drink."
> > >>
> > >>A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
> > >>to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa
> wrapped
> > >>around her most intimate parts.
> > >>
> > >>He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
> > >>as?"
> > >>She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
> > >>The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
> > >>
> > >>A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and
the
> > >>host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing
> > >>stark
> > >>naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his
> willy
> > >>stuck in a pear.
> > >>
> > >>The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both
doing?
> > >>You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
> Anyhow
> > >>what emotion is this supposed to be?"
> > >>
> > >>Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick ere has just
> > >>come in despair .
 |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 31 Jul 2007 : 10:32:32
|
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
>eighties and had never been married.
>She was admired for her sweetness
>and kindness to all.
>
>One afternoon the pastor came
>to call on her and she
>showed him into her quaint sitting room.
>She invited him to have a seat while
>she prepared tea.
As he sat
>facing her old Hammond organ,
>the young minister
>noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
>The bowl was filled with water,
>and in the water floated,
>of all things, a condom! When she
>returned with tea
>and scones, they began to chat.
>The pastor tried to
>stifle his curiosity about the bowl
>of water and its
>strange floater, but soon it got the
>better of him and
>he could no longer resist.
>
>"Miss Beatrice," he said,
>"I wonder if you would tell
>me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
>"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
>I was walking through the Park
>a few months ago and I found this little
>package on the ground.
The directions
>said to place it on the organ,
>keep it wet and that it would prevent
>the spread of disease.
>Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
>
|
Edited by - sexycoach on 10 Aug 2007 16:18:59 |
|
|
|
micktheknee
Not yet a Jedi
78 Posts |
Posted - 31 Jul 2007 : 17:03:03
|
Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car and the woman said:
" kiss me where its wet!"
So Paddy started the car and drove to Tewkesbury. |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 10 Aug 2007 : 16:17:27
|
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
'When we go downstairs for Breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4Year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops.'
WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be F*cking Coco Pops.'
|
Edited by - sexycoach on 10 Aug 2007 16:20:17 |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 15 Aug 2007 : 17:55:49
|
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One... he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.... |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 15 Aug 2007 : 18:25:29
|
What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nachocheese
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 15 Aug 2007 : 20:35:51
|
This may or may not be removed. For some reason I have been told I am smutty!!!!!
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says theteacher."Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher."Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
|
|
|
|
M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 15:53:18
|
I like the one about the lightbulb. Since when did this website transform into chicko protest site?
Burn your bra elsewhere woman! |
Edited by - sexycoach on 17 Aug 2007 16:59:48 |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Funnies II - The Sequel
