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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
 Posted - 17 Aug 2007 : 17:01:31
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Sorry meant to reply to your last topic but pressed edit!!!
Mlove - would you really like to see me burn my bra??
What with all that exercise and running I do, it would hardly be a pretty sight would it????? |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Aug 2007 : 17:25:36
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Man leaves letter to Wife.
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary,is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 22 Aug 2007 : 21:40:59
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A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by. 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub a cow's nose. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.
'No' said the farmer 'Who?'
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> It's worth it.....trust me
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> 'That was Thora Hird.'
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2007 : 11:04:42
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> A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
> to put his name on his mailbox.
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> While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
> the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
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> The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
> him.
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> As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had
> nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
> contact.
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> After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
> to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
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> He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
> against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
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> Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
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> Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
> ears.'
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> Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
> they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
> and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
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> How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
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> Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
> someone coming.... that was me.'
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2007 : 11:20:29
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at
>him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
>where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
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>To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
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>Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful
>to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
>party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching
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>while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
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>She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's
teacher."
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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 01:07:25
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TOP TIPS
Fella's next time you have to wrap a present, don't, because you're ****e at it. Give it to the missus and she'll do it properly with extra girly bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Invite the Gloucester Constabulary to a party.Tell them you'll bring the beer if they can dig up some women.
Feel like a million dollars next time you arrive home by gluing Rice Crispies to your car tyres.When you park up it will sound like you have an expensive gravel drive.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
A length of drain pipe with a roller skate attatched at either end makes an ideal car for snakes.
Ladies. When driving to work try getting out of bed ten minutes earlier.This will enable you to put on your make-up in the bathroom mirror rather than the rear view mirror of your car whilst sitting at a green light.
Ladies. next time you feel like throwing a ball over arm, don't do it, because you can't and it looks very silly.Just throw it girly underarm style and no-one will laugh and you won't get hurt.
Apply red nail varnish next time you cut your nails.The red clippings will show up easily on your carpet(unless you have a red carpet, in which case use an appropriate colour nail varnish).
Mix tea and coffee together and leave in a fridge.Hey presto TOFFEE
Closet gay couples.Buy a pair of dark glasses and a white stick.By pretending one of you is blind you can walk down the street holding hands in public without anyone knowing your secret.
Fat lasses. Remember to paint your toenails before you go out on the town. If you don't people might notice how fat you are.
Hippies don't waste money on expensive lava lamps. Simply place a torch beneath your b******s and watch your testicles floating around in their sack.
Experience the thrills of motorcycling in Summer by sitting in front of a hair dryer and getting a friend to fire bees into your face with a spud gun.
Girls. Stab a centipede up the a*** with a c**ktail stick. Hey presto, an inexpensive mascara brush.
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 15:38:15
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Italy funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is
wider than its shaft. The study took two years and cost over
180,000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded that the reason
the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more
pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own
study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the
Italian study were incorrect. After three year of research and cost in
excess of 250,000,000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's
penis is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure
during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, the Irish decided
to conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really trust the Italian
or French studies. So after nearly three days of intensive research
and at a cost of approximately 36 quid, the Irish study came to the
final conclusion that the reason that the head of a man's penis is
wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting
your forehead.
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 16:49:30
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That's all well and good but where the **** has the knitting pattern gone?
I spent minutes trying to find that b******d for you chicko's! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 21:18:42
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You donkey, you posted it under a different thread!!
Do you have difficulty in finding things not long after you have finished with them??? |
Edited by - sexycoach on 04 Oct 2007 21:21:15 |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 21:27:09
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| I know damn well where I posted it clownshoes, I was merely commenting on it's absence from the front of Ashtalk- the women folk won't know where to find it! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 21:29:33
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No! But we'll damn well know where to shove it!! |
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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 21:41:09
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A lady patient is at the doctors undergoing a medical.Afterwards the doctor says "I have some very grave news.You only have six months to live."
"Oh my god!" replies the woman "That's terrible news.Is there anything I can do."
"Well you could marry Tom Ferry," says the doctor.
"Will that make my life longer?" she asks.
"No," replies the doctor,"It'll just feel like it. |
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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 04 Oct 2007 : 21:55:39
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There was a double wedding.Both couples were staying at the same hotel so the grooms decided to have a bit of a bet.
"Tell you what," said Jim."Why don't we see who can do his missus the most times on their wedding night?"
Bob replies,"Great idea.But how do we tell each other at breakfast without letting the girls know?"
Jim says,"I'll think about it."
They go off to their rooms that evening,and the following morning are all sitting at the same breakfast table.
"Excuse me waiter,"says Jim "I'll have FOUR slices of toast please!"
Bob says,"Toast!What a great idea'Waiter I'll have five slices.But make two of them brown.... |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2007 : 09:13:36
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The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their ass-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at c**ktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2007 : 13:29:23
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A Duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck,
'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman,
'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What
are
you doing round this way?'.
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,
'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!' .
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!'
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?
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Topic |
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Funnies II - The Sequel
