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rachsalt
Don't call me Shirley
17 Posts |
 Posted - 14 Oct 2007 : 17:01:25
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| Sales of condoms in France plummeted today when the england rugby squad proved that to **** 15 frogs you only need one johnny! |
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gouldilocks
Who's the Daddy
United Kingdom
108 Posts |
Posted - 14 Oct 2007 : 21:32:44
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| Police today found the body of a dead man floating in the thames, wearing a french rugby shirt, stockings and suspenders, bright red lipstick and mascara, a blow up doll on the end of his todger and a vibrator stuck up his a***. Police safely removed the shirt to spare his family any embarrassment!! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 19 Oct 2007 : 18:17:48
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Subject: Medical Fact
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the behind and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 23 Oct 2007 : 22:25:46
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MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Know what she did next??
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b!tch..... 
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 02 Nov 2007 : 18:19:15
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A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was feeling a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under 'Escorts and Massages'.
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely looking girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to....... you know the kind.
So he is in his room and figures, what the hell....., he gives her a call.
'Hello?' the woman says.
God she sounded sexy!
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'Wow, that sounds fantastic; but for an outside line you need to dial 9.'
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 02 Nov 2007 : 18:23:05
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied,
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir: First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
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mrleech
Not yet a Jedi
72 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2007 : 22:04:36
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A chicken walks into a library and goes up to the librarian saying "Buk buk buk".The librarian hands it a book and the chicken runs out.
Five minutes later the chicken returns and puts the book back on the counter again saying "Buk buk buk".The librarian hands it another book and the chicken runs out.
Another five minutes pass and the chicken returns.Once again it puts the book on the counter and cries "Buk buk buk".Getting rather irate the librarian hands it another book but this time decides to follow the chicken.
Out of the library the chicken goes followed by the librarian.Down the road they go,round the corner they pass the church and onwards toward the riverbank.As they reach the river the chicken stops at the bank and drops the book.As the librarian watches a frog appears from the lily-pads and picking up the book he throws it down in disgust saying ......
wait for it .....
REDDIT REDDIT REDDIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 13:21:57
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A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that
he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster,
named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home
and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep
talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
service here, and you cost me a lot of money."
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen
house -three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in
the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the
next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard,
mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the
air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 13:45:32
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform:
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire lass. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 13:48:16
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A man with a stutter goes into a pet shop
hhhave you any ppparrot he askes
yyyes said the shopkeeper cccome with mmmme
he takes him into the back room where he has three rows of parrots on perches
ttthe ones on tthe bbottom row are tttwenty fffive ppppppounds he says
tthe ones in tthe mmiddle are fffourty fffive pppounds
and ttthe ones on ttthe ttop are sssssixty fffive pppounds
But he said ttthe ones on ttthe ttop you ccan pppay ffor wwwekly, bbbecause tthey are on higher perches
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 13:50:58
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Two c**kerals are talking in the farmyard,they see the farmer sharpening his axe and start walking towards them.Im scared one says,dont be says his mate-- one sneeze from us and hell sh-t himself.
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:03:49
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A rugby referee died and went to heaven.
Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter.
If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff.
"Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner.
"But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."
"Ok, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up.
When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied: "Forty-five seconds ago."
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:15:20
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The English Rugby practice was disrupted today when an unknown white substance was found on the practice pitch by some players.
The Head Coach immediately suspended practice and called the police.
After a complete analysis by forensic experts the unknown substance was found to be the try line.
Practice was resumed when the rfu decided the players were unlikely to encounter the substance again!
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:16:02
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| I personally do not think that last one was very funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:18:34
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The Head Coach takes the england team for a training session, first up he tells the players
to take up their normal positions,
so they all go behind the posts to wait for the conversion!!
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The rfu set up a helpline for disappointed fans after a disasterous season
the number is 0800 10 10 10
thats 0800 won nothing,won nothing,won nothing!
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There are two man made things that can be seen from space,
the great wall of china and the hole in the English defence
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Whats the difference between the English team and an arsonist???
an arsonist would not waste 17 matches
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Funnies II - The Sequel
