| Author |
 Topic  |
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
 Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:20:11
|
Nor do I think that they are very funny too.....!!!!!
I will refuse to hear any more of these atrocious jokes against the English...!!!! |
 |
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:22:50
|
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat
as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo!
she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Welsh."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me TAFF." |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 14 Nov 2007 : 14:30:06
|
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain, and asks for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks."No, I did not,it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" Well, you have a short memory,"says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
|
|
|
|
M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
|
|
M-Love
Moderate!
United Kingdom
376 Posts |
Posted - 28 Nov 2007 : 20:05:12
|
| You racist b******d sexycoach! |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 28 Nov 2007 : 20:45:33
|
| At least I'm not a witless wonder!!!!!!! |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 03 Feb 2008 : 12:48:40
|
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 03 Feb 2008 : 12:51:37
|
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced al--wobbly jelly--ude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north la--wobbly jelly--ude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is no doubt technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well,"said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quan--wobbly jelly--y of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's MY b****y fault !"
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 07 Feb 2008 : 17:48:01
|
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
> house.
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying naked on the setee with soft music playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this
> dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
> me for hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
> sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
|
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 21 Feb 2008 : 16:23:01
|
Ryanair pilot flying into Manchester and the plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says
"Help, Help Easter Sunday, Pancake Tuesday, Boxing day"!!!
A voice from the tower comes back and says
"Paddy, I think the ****ing word you are looking for is Mayday"!!!!!! |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 21 Feb 2008 : 16:27:34
|
Paddy and Mick were walking home after a night out. As they walked past the bus station Paddy says
"Lets steal a bus" as he didnt want to walk home.
"Ok" says Mick "Lets go in"
Twenty minutes later Paddy finds Mick flapping
"I cant find a No7 bus" he says
"You ****ing idiot" said Paddy "Just take a No9 and we'll walk from the roundabout"!!!!!! |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 21 Feb 2008 : 16:29:32
|
| Nearly there!!!!! |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 21 Feb 2008 : 16:30:14
|
| Web wheres my flowers, chocolates and big brass band. I've done 500??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? |
|
|
|
sexycoach
Living Legend
United Kingdom
538 Posts |
Posted - 26 Feb 2008 : 12:43:37
|
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Funnies II - The Sequel
